Archive for the Dating Category

Signals that Men Won’t Admit

Posted in Dating on February 14, 2013 by Bright Lights

secret2

Over the years, I have written many articles on dating in “these” complicated times.  It is true that internet dating has changed the disease, but the symptoms remain the same.  As such, I thought I would share a few points that men have not shared with women.  This is primarily because men wouldn’t recognize these as facts but rather subliminal impulses weighing in on the all important question “should I talk to that girl or not?”  It is important to note that these points will only be helpful for women looking to find a man of substance and not just someone looking to get a piece.

sunglasses

Sunglasses:  Women love their sunglasses.  But sunglasses hide a woman’s eyes making it harder for men to make eye contact and gain confidence to approach or maintain conversation.  I’m not saying don’t wear your designer sunglasses, but when you find yourself under the shade of the pool bar, you may want to take them off and see who comes to talk to you.  Lets be honest, the hunkety hunk with washboard abs, no shirt, and a degree from Devry is gonna come up to you no matter what in that bikini you “gotz” on.  But the quiet guy sitting at the bar talking with his friend about the old times in law school may now feel the confidence to approach you as well.  He has his shirt on and can’t compete in a purely shallow muscle and body competition.  Don’t make him feel he has to in order to talk to you.  Take those glasses off and let him see your soul.

alone

Separate from the Herd:  Woman often go out in groups of 3, 4, or 5.  These are not girls night out but rather a night out with friends.  They stand around and despite being dressed to the nines, they get very few suitors.  The reason, of course, is that men hunt similarly to a lion.  Men are waiting for the woman he is pursuing to be alone, if only for a minute.  So he must wait till she goes up to the bar or is waiting on line for the bathroom.  Both of these are proven methods.  But wouldn’t it be easier (and more sanitary) if women would just recognize that men do this and be sure to spend about 3 – 5 minutes either alone or in smaller groups for a few minutes every hour.  Ironically, while in college I met two woman who did just that.  I would go to a party with the two of them, and they would demand about 10 minutes every hour where I had to be away from them, and they had to be away from each other.  Some call that desperate.  I call that efficient.

Fedora

“I like your hat”:   If you believe that more men would talk to you if they had a good opening line, then becoming a hat lover and hat wearer might be for you.  Show me a girl with a cute fedora, and you can bet that several men will come up to her and say “I like your hat” throughout the evening.  Any line that men can use instead of “you are really pretty” or “do you come here often” is very much appreciated by the male community.

These signals may not be true for every man, and most men probably haven’t given it much thought.  But now you know a little bit more about the man behind the curtain.

Bright Lights, Big City.

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Off Market Dating

Posted in Dating on November 17, 2010 by Bright Lights

In the world of real estate, it is widely accepted that the most likely way to achieve the highest price for a piece of property is through a formal marketing process.  That marketing process must allow for a reasonable amount of time and both buyer and seller must be well informed.  The maximum price that is reached under these criteria is the fair market value.  If a property sells and these criteria are not met, then it is most likely considered an off market transaction.  An off market transaction rarely leads to the highest price, but there are usually other factors that push an owner to sell off market.  Timing is the most likely reason.  A formal marketing process can take several months whereas an owner may receive an unsolicited offer from a buyer who promises to close in short order.

I believe that some of the principles in the world of real estate hold true in the realm of dating.  Is it possible that relationships started without the benefit of dating several people at once,  are akin to an off market transaction?  Lets examine.

I have several friends who are single, and yet not proactive in the dating world.  This can lead to long droughts in intimacy as well as relationships.  Assuming that one of these folks goes on a date after a 6 month dating drought, they will be more likely to “love the one they’re with” then the guy/girl who goes on 3 dates a week thanks to internet dating sites like Match.com.  Given this dynamic, it occurred to me that long droughts of dating/intimacy may lead to some hasty decision making.  The “timing” factor plays a role because the dater may choose to lower his or her standards for the sake of establishing the boyfriend/girlfriend title with another person.  Assuming that this individual enters into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without the benefit of a formal marketing process for his or her self (e.g. dating others, ample time on the market), then the individual may have unknowingly sold themself off market.  Hence, they likely have not fully realized their fair market value.

Pros of Internet Dating

In my single days, internet dating was left to the lepers and the desperate.  In today’s times, its a staple of the dating world that is so widely accepted that people can hold their heads up high when they admit they use the internet to find companionship.  In some ways, internet dating is akin to going to bars with your resume printed on the front of your shirt, and your Facebook page printed on your back.  Your online dating profile will provide prospective companions with a snapshot of who you are.  Of course, the odds are better for those that look good on paper.  If you are a doctor or a lawyer, you may find yourself in a position that you are not accustomed to.  You may be an online hot commodity.  The bottom line is that online profiles are a way for someone to try and look at the whole picture of who you are.  It allows someone who is challenged in the looks department to impress others with their resume, and someone with a weak resume to impress the masses with their looks.  For those that have a little of everything to offer, there are plenty of dates to go around.

Cons of Internet Dating

In the dogma of dating, there is one formerly widely accepted concept that is no longer true.  In fact, it may never have been true.  It is this:

“People who are only looking for hookups will do so using the bar scene.  People looking for love and relationships will use internet dating.”

Not to sound like an old fogy, but men these days don’t know who good they have it.  Getting a date used to be something that was hard earned.  Afterall, you had to find a way to initiate conversation with a stranger, make a good impression, and then work up the courage to ask her out.  Now, you just need to know how to double click.  Things have gotten so good for men, that they are no longer just using  internet dating once they are ready for a relationship, they are also using the internet for hooking up.  I can’t help but wonder if these players are gonna eventually ruin the best thing for men since the founding of Playboy magazine in 1953.   Once the online scene becomes just as hedonistic as the bar scene, the women of substance will lose interest, and men everywhere will lose out on the best tool they had to meet women since the invention of alcohol.

Its possible that I am wrong and that women everywhere are just as happy to have an easy way to hookup as the men.  But like all good things, it only take a few bad seeds to ruin a party.

The Lobster Trap

One player described his match.com profile as a lobster trap.  He can go out to the bars and see what fish he can catch.  But when he comes home, he can also check to see if anything is caught in his trap.  If something is there, he’ll eat it.  Otherwise, its back to the bars the next night.

In conclusion, the dating world is not as black and white as this blog post.  People sometimes fall in love at first sight and follow their hearts rather than their heads.  Sometimes there is no need for a formal marketing process.  When you know, you know.  Players often say “don’t hate the player, hate the game.”  Well the game has changed and if you ruin online dating for your children and your children’s children, i’ll be the one saying I told you so.

Bright Lights, Big City.

Location, Location, Location. Commitment, Commitment, Commitment

Posted in Dating on October 20, 2010 by Bright Lights

If you ask 10 couples how they first decided to live together, they may give you 10 different answers.   I have often wondered if there might be some driver or drivers that are not considered.  Some couples are honest enough to say that money was a factor in deciding to live with one another.  To me, money is the worst of all reasons to make that commitment, but on the flip side it is certainly the most understandable.  Especially in New York, the economics of co-habitation can be extremely attractive.  The rent is too damn high.

As relationships grow stronger, couples tend to spend less and less time apart and spend more and more nights together.  The implication of that is that one person’s apartment might become more frequented that the other.  Often times, the apartment of choice is the one with the better location.

Nothing I have said so far is groundbreaking or surprising.  But the theory I am about to suggest is not for the faint of heart.  If the woman has the better location, than moving in together will probably take longer than if the man has the better location.  Men generally will go further out of their way for intimacy, and therefore will put up with a two residence situation for a long time.  However, women are more likely to get sick and tired of shlepping between two residences and tend to be more willing to reach that next level in a relationship.

Lets go through some examples to prove my theory.  Lets start out with a couple where the man lives in Manhattan, the woman lives in Queens, and they both work in Manhattan.  Given that one of them lives in Manhattan, that will most likely be the apartment of choice.  Why should they both be inconvenienced.  There are other factors such as apartment size and roommate situations, but lets leave those out of this discussion.  Our second example is a couple where the man and woman live in Brooklyn (5 blocks away from each other) and they both work in Manhattan.  In this example, to be fair, the couple would likely split time at each other’s apartments.  No one apartment will stand out as the obvious “winner” and therefore they may not spend as many nights together.  Instead, what will happen is a stalemate.  “You come over.”  “No, YOU come over.”  What may result is that this seemingly convenient situation can result in more nights spent apart.  Also, since time is being split more evenly amongst two apartments, there is less feeling of “this is our place.”  It is my contention that a big part of building the comfort that leads to cohabitation is for both parties to feel “at home.”

“But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door”

In conclusion, I think that men have a higher threshhold to inconvenience themselves if it keeps them from having to reach the next level of commitment before they are ready.  All you players out there should consider my findings. Next thing you know, you may be selling your apartment in Manhattan to live in an inferior location.  Your commute will increase, but so will the expiration date on your freedom.  Play on player.

Bright Lights, Big City.

You can use my coat pile

Posted in Dating on October 4, 2010 by Bright Lights

In the summer time, people tend to wear less clothing which provides a leg up to the hot bodied New Yorkers.  Some would say that the best summer outfit for males is to have muscles.  In addition, the sun sets very late in the summer so the unattractive don’t have dim lighting as their secret weapon unless they start their night post – 9pm.

But alas, the Fall has arrived and its time for the mediocre looking folks to re-stake their claim on New York nightlife.  Calling all male non-lookers… its go time!

The Wardrobe

So you forgot to go to the gym for the past 6 months.  Not a problem.  Just buy some sweaters and you will look bulky and muscular.  Close enough.

Pickup Lines

Its going to start to get cold out and people will start wearing jackets.  But most New Yorkers don’t like to pay to check their coat.  Instead, they find a clean spot (perhaps in a booth) and form a coat pile.  If you see a pretty lady holding her coat and trying to balance her drink while writing a text message, offer up your coat pile.  This act of chivalry will put you in her good graces and may be the “in” you need to start a conversation.

No Lunch Dates

Ok Mr. Mediocre, its time to take advantage of dim lighting.  So no lunch dates until after the 3rd date.  Otherwise, things can get awkward, as shown below:

Happy Hour Deals

All summer you were too unattractive to operate at the outdoor happy hours in direct sunlight.  But the season has changed and now you can work the scene (thanks to an early sunset) at discount prices.  “Pardon me Miss, can I buy you a $5 martini?”

Am I a loser because I don’t have a beach house?

Even if the answer is yes, you don’t have to worry about that for the next 9 months.  So enjoy it.  Everyone knows that New York empties out during the summer weekends.  But now that the sun-god worshiping hotties are done slumming it with Billy Joel and P-Diddy in the Hamptons, they are going to spend their weekends in New York City.  It may be harder to get a table at your favorite restaurant, but easier to get a date.  Play on player.

Conclusion

Whether you are a 5 or a 9.5 out of 10, the Fall is a great time to be out on the town in New York City.  The summer has a natural tendency to make us all a little bit shallow because our bodies are on display.  When we are afforded the chance to cover up, it provides an opportunity to put our personalities more on display.  Dust off your dark jeans and your J. Crew sweaters cause its hunting season.  And to all my readers, I will always make space for your jacket in the coat pile of my heart.

Bright Lights, Big City.

Shhhh…. Its a secret

Posted in Dating on June 22, 2010 by Bright Lights

Living in New York City, you see a lot of beautiful people.  In particular, a lot  of beautiful women.  Whereas the American Dream involves moving to America, working hard, and building a life, the New York Dream (for men) involves moving to New York, making bank, and landing a woman who is out of your league.  This is not to say that women are only interested in money, because that is not true.  But I think that New York is a tough place to have a high standard of living, on a relative scale, and women are attracted to the success that a man would need achieve to be able to live well in New York.  I used to have a saying “only in New York is Woody Allen attractive” and while its overstating its point, its point is simple.  Brains, sense of humor, and perhaps a little eccentricity can be enough to win over a New York City woman.

I recently heard a statistic about New York City dating.  At age 21, a woman will have 8 times as many eligible men to choose from as a 21 year old male.  However, by the time a man is 30 years old, there are 10 women for everyone 1 single man.  Why is this?  I’ll tell you.

It comes down to the fact that women prefer to date older and men prefer to date younger.  A 30 year old man can likely date women from age 18 – 35 years old.  But a 30 year old woman is likely to date men that are 28 – 45 years old.  The thing is, there are plenty of single 18 – 35 year old women.  But most 28 – 45 year old men (the good ones anyway) are taken.  Women have a distinct disadvantage the older they get, whereas men have an advantage as they hit their early 30’s.

To my female readers, there is one major problem with dating a New York City man.  Despite a fancy job, fancy apartment, and maybe a fancy car, New York City men are notorious for extending their adolescence as long as possible.  If you are looking for a guy who wants to settle down, NYC is probably the worst place to look.  I’ll tell you why, but shhhh…. its a secret.

First of all, think of who would move to New York.  Men with dreams of Benjamins, fast cars, fast women, and weekends at the Hamptons.  Do these people sound like they want to settle down?  Why would they.  But even once they are convinced to settle down, the discussion about having kids can easily be pushed aside by simply saying “we can’t afford it.”  And to be honest, its probably true.  That is, unless you are both willing to leave New York City.  As I have written in past posts, leaving New York City can be difficult as the City may become a part of your identity.

In conclusion, we live in a society where men are often considered disposable and a good looking woman can be considered or treated like an object.  Its sad but true.  There is an imbalance of power on both sides that often gets exploited.  And through all this haze, people do manage to find each other.  I think its time we give a proper thank you to Jack and Jose.

Bright Lights, Big City.